You in Retrospect

You lacked a place, and I had the ability to discern your needs. I had the energy to retain your lost soul somewhere between my mind’s eye- which felt your spirit, and my vision- which saw your truth.

You caused the thin film of tears that smoothed across my sight, softening the narcotic glow of your stealth.

You were the feeling of anticipation that lurched against my heart with urgent obligation. I was torn into a dozen directions when my treble and your bass layered upon layer, and I mistook our delightful arpeggios for perfect balance.

You were the reminder that my heart still bled as the wind of your pain breathed stories from somewhere distant in the night...in dreams and stars and so close between the despairing lines of two clammy palms.

You were the coolest part of any sentence, the warmth of sweet tea, and the shadow of smoke against an evening wall; you ran cold, hot, and elusive.

You were the best part of my life when our times were good. But when the good dissolved, I was left puzzled by how you represented illusion and reality mixed together like paint in a bucket; we were the tension that builds just before the colors attempt last minute to resist the swirl. In fact, we couldn’t help but resist the swirl.

You were rarely-present and half-way attainable. If you are ever-present, you will remain unattained.

You were somewhere distant when pressed close to me, yet ever my heart's destination. I thought I was destined to heal you, and with this notion, I travelled to and fro.

You were out there listening to others' thoughts on the radio while your own played through the safety of insulated headphones that fit the shape of your head only. Your mind was off-limits, yet in your company I learned the timeless art of small-talk.

You were in presence my sensation of completion and in absence my flicker of longing; I longed to complete you.

You sang the sun to rise with your own beaming humor and lowered the moon into a well of despair when the inky black agony of too many memories had you tormented beyond compare. You were in essence, night and day, rain and shine, life and death.

You intoxicated my spirit like nobody's business whenever you said my name, and even if I didn't have a name, I knew you would still call out to me, deep in the night, for you could always recognize me by my undeniable need to please.

You were undercover and over the rise of your self-made entity; concealing your own recklessness.

You were a shape-shifting wonder ahead of the clock and always on top of the latest news. You sold yourself at a very low price, but that did the trick: your motto was quantity rather than quality.

You made things happen and pulled dirty strings; ripping tattered curtains open to tear the light in, one artificial shred at a time.

You always knew when to pull back just before the truth leaked out from your darting eyes- a safe glance in advance of intrusion. You had a lot to hide and even more to be ashamed of.

You gave reason to love despite the moments.

You sighed through the cracks of my life and tripped up the timing of my rhythm, even as I ticked, on, and on, and then some...

You and the moon in combination were the alluring ingredients of my world, transforming space and gravity one wispy sweet heart-wave at a time. You made up for your lack of substance with one shallow excuse after another. I picked the weeds of your excuses and with them made many a bouquet...long since wilted.

You soared flighty like a bird- a footless bird who was never meant to land.
And you didn’t.

 

Jennifer Burnside